Drowning Differently

Portrait I · Stillwater

Jake

Works in sales. Says he's "in tech" at parties.

Jake wakes up at 6:15am. His alarm is a podcast about productivity. He has never finished an episode. He goes to the gym four times a week. He does chest and arms. He has never done a yoga class. He says it's because of his schedule.

Jake earns 78k. He thinks about this number often. He has calculated that he earns more than 73% of people his age. He found this statistic on Reddit. He has not told anyone about this calculation. He would describe himself as "not really motivated by money."

Jake has a group chat called "The Boys." It has nine members. Three of them he hasn't spoken to individually in two years. The group chat is mostly memes and fantasy football. Last month, one of them got engaged. Jake sent a gif of Leonardo DiCaprio raising a glass. This was the most emotionally vulnerable he has been in the chat.

Jake's best friend is Mike. They have been friends for seven years. Jake does not know Mike's middle name. He does not know if Mike has ever been to therapy. He does not know what Mike is afraid of. Last week they hung out for four hours. They talked about the NBA, a Netflix show, and Mike's car. Jake would say it was a great time. It was.

Jake has not cried since 2021. He almost cried during his grandfather's funeral, but he was a pallbearer and there were people watching. He felt something in his chest. He focused on his breathing. It passed.

When Jake is stressed, he doesn't notice it as "stress." He notices that his neck is tight. He notices he's been snapping at people. He notices he's three beers deep on a Tuesday. He does not connect these things. His doctor once asked him how his mental health was. Jake said "good, yeah, pretty good." His doctor said okay.

Jake downloaded a meditation app once. He used it for three days. He felt like he was "bad at it." He did not re-open the app.

Jake's girlfriend, Emma, sometimes asks him how he's really doing. He says "I'm good, just tired." This is not a lie exactly. He is tired. He is also something else but he doesn't have the word for it. If you asked him to describe his emotional state, he would say "fine" or "normal" or "I don't know, just… regular?"

When good things happen to Jake, he feels a warm glow in his chest. He will describe this as "solid" or "clutch." When he got promoted, he pumped his fist once, alone in his apartment, then ordered sushi. He told Mike about it by text. Mike said "let's gooo." This was the celebration.

Jake feels proud often. He will not use that word. He will say he's "feeling good about things" or that something is "coming together." He has a note on his phone called "wins" where he logs accomplishments. He has never shown this to anyone. He would be embarrassed if anyone found it.

When Jake makes a mistake at work, he thinks about it for approximately 45 minutes. Then he goes to the gym. Then he thinks about it for 10 more minutes. Then he plays video games. Then it's tomorrow. Research says men externalize. Jake does not know what this word means. Jake has moved on.

Jake's life satisfaction is, statistically speaking, lower than Emma's. Men report lower levels of life satisfaction than women, per government wellbeing surveys. Jake would find this confusing. He has a good job. He has friends. He has a girlfriend. What else is there?

Jake is lonely 12% of the time. He does not experience this as loneliness. He experiences it as "wanting to do something but not knowing what." As scrolling his phone in bed for 45 minutes. As texting the group chat "anyone around?" on a Saturday at 9pm and then putting his phone face-down so he doesn't see if no one responds.

He's fine. He's good. Everything is good.

Portrait II · Open Water

Emma

Works in marketing. Her LinkedIn says "storyteller."

Emma wakes up at 7:30am. She looks at her phone immediately. She has promised herself many times that she won't do this. She reads her horoscope. She does not "believe" in astrology. She has read her horoscope every day for four years.

Emma earns 64k. She has calculated that Jake earns more than her. She has thoughts about this. Some of the thoughts are about systemic inequality. Some are about whether she's behind. Some are about whether she should ask for a raise. She has not asked for a raise. She is worried it would be "awkward."

Emma has two best friends: Sophie and Mia. She has known them since college. She knows Sophie's therapist's name, her cycle, her complicated feelings about her mother, and the exact timeline of her last three relationships. She could write Sophie's biography. Sophie could write hers.

Last week Sophie got a promotion. Emma felt a surge of genuine joy — not the kind she performs, real joy, in her chest. She also felt, underneath, a small flicker of something else. She does not want to look at this feeling. She is a good friend. She texted Sophie seventeen heart emojis and meant every one.

Emma goes to therapy every two weeks. She has been going for three years. She has described her childhood, her attachment style, her relationship with her body, and a dream she had about a horse. Her therapist's name is Rachel. Emma has recommended Rachel to four people.

Emma cried last week. The week before that too. Once it was about something real (a fight with her mom). Once it was about a video of a soldier coming home to his dog. Research has found that women cry more frequently and for longer durations than men at similar ages. Emma does not find this embarrassing. Crying is release. She has said this.

Emma feels guilty approximately 40% of the time she is awake. She feels guilty for not texting back fast enough. For eating bread. For not going to the gym. For going to the gym instead of working. For not calling her grandmother. For taking too long to respond to an email. For being "too much." For not being enough.

Emma's moral compass is wired directly into her nervous system. She once found a $20 bill on the ground and spent fifteen minutes trying to find the owner. She felt strange about keeping it for days.

Emma has anxiety. She was diagnosed at 22. She takes medication sometimes. She does breathing exercises. She has an app that tracks her mood. She has a weighted blanket. She has tried CBD, magnesium, ashwagandha, cutting caffeine, adding it back, journaling, and "just going for a walk."

Emma's anxiety feels like this: a low hum in her chest. A constant background process. What if something is wrong. What if she said the wrong thing. What if everyone is mad at her. What if she's secretly bad at her job. What if—

Emma has talked about this. With Sophie, with Mia, with Rachel, with Jake, with her mom. She has named it. She has contextualized it. She has "done the work." The hum is still there. But she knows what it is. This is something.

Emma, statistically, feels lonelier than Jake. Only 12% of men said they feel very or fairly lonely, compared to 18% of women. Which is funny, because Emma has more close friends, Emma talks to people about her feelings, Emma is never really alone. And yet. A gap between how known she wants to feel and how known she feels. She is working on this. In therapy.

When Emma is happy, her whole body is happy. When she is sad, her whole body is sad. She feels the weather of her emotions all day long. This is exhausting. This is also, maybe, what makes the good moments good.

Emma will outlive Jake, statistically. She will have more friends when she's old — women over 65 average 5.8 close friends; men, 3.7. She will ask for help when she needs it. She will process her grief out loud. She will cry at funerals and no one will think it's weird.

She is fine. She is also not fine. She contains multitudes. She has said this, about herself, out loud.

Closing Contrast

Two different emotional economies. Two different costs.

The Still Pond

Jake's life is a still pond. Occasionally something drops into it. He watches the ripples. Then the surface goes flat again. He does not know what is at the bottom.

The Open Ocean

Emma's life is the ocean. There are waves constantly. She is always swimming. She is very tired. But she knows exactly how deep it goes, because she has measured it, discussed it, and made a spreadsheet about it.

Neither is winning. They're just drowning differently.